1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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