you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
