Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My life is pants optional.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
