There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
