one two three fourrrrnication!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
