i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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