can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
