Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My vagina just recognized that song.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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