apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
