He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
