went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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