If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
