just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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