she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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