I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
