You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
