Just cropdusted the office
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
