just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
