If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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