I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
