just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
