my vag is so smooth its legendary
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
