i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
