I wish I could teleport
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
