my room smells like sperm. sweet.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
