By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
