Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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