Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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