Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
