We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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