she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
