So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
