What did we do last night that was yellow?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
