Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
