dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
