I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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