this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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