Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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