I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
