Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
