Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
