I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
