I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize