There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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