You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How does it feel to date your dad?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
