I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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