You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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