i just sent this text using only my big toe
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
