Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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