Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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