Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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