my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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