Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
