I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
