Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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