Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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