***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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