I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
