paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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