I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
