i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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