My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
