the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
