you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
