how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
