I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
